A life worth living

It seems its yet another year that I am attempting to write on this blog. You would think since I want to be a writer so bad that I might be able to do this blog thing. But alas...I think this blog has been in existence since 2008 & I only have a handful of writings. Maybe I just don't want everyone in my crazy but beautiful planted garden that I tend to that is my mind. I like to keep some things to myself as Florence & the machine would say;) I feel like every new year I'm excited & can't wait to see what the new year holds. Then the year goes by and I feel like I haven't accomplished anything, but random ideas that seem to go nowhere. I then get down on myself because I want so much more out of life. I want to live a live worthy of the calling I have received, but I tend to confuse this calling with the life I want to live. Or is it all one and the same? I feel like I'm in a perpetual state of indecisiveness that chokes the beauty that wants to flow out of my soul. I say all this, but i also realize I've learned so much from my past even this last year. I feel like Gods trying to teach me so much, but all I want to do is RUN (faster than a bullet...) b/c its uncomfortable & I want to do what seems right to MY flesh & MY emotions. But I know it's just fear that drives me. Fear I'll never amount to anything. Fear that I'll fail. Fear that I am failing. Fear that my dreams are too big for this small brown woman. Fear that I'll never become who God truly created me to be.

But He created me to be fearfully & wonderfully made. Fear is from the enemy. My past doesn't bind me it makes me who I am and I learn the most from it. I'm learning to embrace everything I've done b/c its no surprise to God & He orders the footsteps of the righteous. As long as my heart seeks His & even when I'm not seeking Him - He will continue to pursue me and show me His love & show me that He wants to use every part of my life - mistakes, wrong turns, past, present, and even the evil in my heart. I can't run away from being a sinner but I can run to Him, repent and seek guidance and comfort. The truth is we weren't meant to be spotless & perfect. We can't, only Christ can. He wants our heart not fir us to be puppets. He wants us to chase after the dreams we think unobtainable b/c He put those dreams there deep within the recess of our inner being b/c its who He made us to be. The hard part is the process & having patience through. Its hard b/c I want to fast-forward & say, "Look ma, I did it." Instant gratification. But that only seems to come with a price. It took Jesus 30 some years to do His calling, but the sad part is we never get to read what happened before His ministry started. He left it a mystery and we can learn so much from that.

Gods got me right where He knew I would be. He's cooking up something good & I'm so blessed & honored to be a part of it.

This year I'm learning how to finally honor my husband by letting him be the covering no matter how much I want to fight to make my own dang decision (sooooooo hard for this control freak to do, btw...); trying to pay more attention to my body & how it reacts so I can take care of this Holy Temple by eating right, exercising, & not over eating; learning how to love all of me & all my past & current mistakes; pursuing my creative side more; write more consistently; be content with where I am in life; not wanting more b/c God is my provider not me; build wonderful relationships with family & friends; love fiercely; confess faster; let God in finally; allow myself to heal fully from brokenness; and most importantly reflect the glory of God - which coincidently is who He made me to be - free in His love & free to choose a life worth living.

Soul Ties

There is a secret that uunravels with the sands of Time
As each drop of sand slips through the sliced canyon of glass
The mysteries of time unfold
My feet are finally stepping into the ink of my pages
And I have solid stance
I am no longer trembling
Uncertain
Unaware
Confused
Its just all falling together
Sometimes there is a whisper
Temptation
It says
Am I falling off my pages again?
Clinging to the papers edge
Trying my hardest not to slip and let go
Let go of this life thats forming in front of me

An angel hears my cry
Touches me
Giving me the strength to carry on
I pull myself back onto my pages
And get a stronghold
Uneasy but strong
Then an essence of security drips onto my soul
Trust in Me my child, I will direct your path.

These feelings,
Rejection
A mal-nutrient soul
Being fed lies
From a deceiver
That tears apart my heart
My emotions
It seems things are creeping up on me
Voices
Is it my voice?
Telling myself
Im not worthy
I dont deserve
These demons creeping into my thoughts
And whispering words to scatter my emotions
Tear down my joy

Oh God cast a net that sticks to these thoughts of torment
And pull them from my mind, my heart, my soul
Refill my tank with Your spirit
So that I might feel thy love
Thy joy
Thy God

The angels come
They touch my mind
Then my heart
And last my soul
Slowly but surely
Ridding my entity of
These sinful thoughts
Thank you oh God
For hearing my prayer

My book is my flesh and my soul wanders
Sometimes my soul is aligned with my flesh
God as my guide
Angels holding my crutch
But sometimes my flesh causes my soul to slip
And then the words on my pages
Are scattered, blotted out, or even erased
Sometimes my soul crosses another soul
Its as if our souls are standing out above the pages of our books
Staring at each other
We conversate
Interact
Something is thus revealed
Our souls turn into strings
Each of us
Our entity
Is a woven soul of strings
And as we gaze across our books into another souls story
A strand slowly loosens itself from our soul
And gradually works its way to the others book
And it crosses over to their book
It transforms into their ink
And writes itself into their book
Thus becoming apart of their lives
Our lives
Your life
My life

Before we even knew we would meet each other
God had a purpose
A reason
A plan
We sit here and try to put the broken puzzle of our lives together
And it seems we can never find the right pieces
So we try to jam the puzzle pieces together
And the final picture is a mix between Picaso and Salvador Dali
Jumbled
Confused
Strangely abstract with uncertainty that makes the soul shiver with a feeling of being lost

Oh God, my answer key
My puzzle solver
Help me to put my pieces together correctly
So that my final picture comes out beautiful
Put together with sweet articulate fingers
Becoming the picture my lifes supposed to be
The painting You already know
MY LIFE
Take my hand, my heart, my everything
And guide me oh God
On my path of righteousness
Help me to stand firm
Direct on my path
So I can find the right pieces to put my life together
As it should be
As You know me
For You created the pieces to put my puzzle together
And only You know the final outcome
For You are the Maker
The Alpha
The Omega
The beginning
And
The end

As I look into your book
I know weve met for a reason
For you are a piece in my puzzle
And without you
It would not be complete
For God put us in each others lives for a reason
There are no accidents in Gods plan
All the experiences we've had
Was to help us grow
To build us
To make us
To mold us
Into the figure
That God wants us to be
For He knew me, you, us
Before we knew ourselves
Who to trust more to guide us on our path
Then the Creator
The all knowing
All loving
God

I tremble from my weakness
People
Others
Are we helping each other?
Tempting each other?
Loving each other?
Hating each other?
Causing such emotional chaos
In the mind of these thoughts?

But this is in the plan
Our plan
Gods plan
So if we give it to Him
He will smooth out these bumpy thoughts
These pointing words
These accusing voices
And show us the way
The path
Be our guide
For He knows this world better than we do
He knows us
More than we will ever know our ownselves

Every word, every mistake, every action, every triumph, every sadness, every joy
Every tragedy
Every little tiny detail scratched into our lives
Was supposed to happen
We go through certain chapters in our lives
That may be hard to write
And most of all hard to understand
But we are being built
Structured
Created into something we will never know
Never know until we give our life to God

I dont know my book oh God
But its yours
It always was
I just didnt understand
See the big picture
Until you cleansed me of this world
And the sin
I let enter my flesh
And into my soul
Corroding my book
Ive opened many passages into my book
And all these demons have crept in
Trying to run through my pages and destroy my life
And slowly but surely
They were rotting my pages
Spilling the ink and drenching my pages
Almost blackening my book
Almost killing my story
Reaching my soul
Consuming each word
On each page
Turning my life into nothing
And I
Becoming numb
But You in Your mercy saved me oh Father
You found me
Lifted me up
With demons clenching my
Flesh
Torturing my soul
You lifted me up
Out of the darkness
Out of the ink
And into the light
Washing
Each demon
Away from my soul
Cleansing my sins
With Your blood

You pour this cup of life into me
And as Your blood passes through my body
From head to toe
It drowns the demons
Choking their life
And saving my life

The angels shout in the heavens
For this day
A soul was won
Not just any soul
My soul
Gods soul

And we must be armed, ready
For we have now entered the battlegrounds of spiritual warfare
And even now
Yes even now
We can fall
For we are flesh
Though our soul is set free
We are still in our flesh
And we must arm ourselves
With the word of God
To protect our soul from our flesh
But do not fall
For we are not given more than we can handle

Guide my thoughts oh Lord
Protect my flesh
And those who are around me
Help me to be the example You desire of me
So that I can help them
And they can help me
Guide us oh God
For we are weak to each other
Protect our souls
Make us upright
Help us to stay away from temptation
Guide us on Your path
Lead us
Show us
Make us
Let us be holy in Your Eyes
Let us sound graceful in Your Ears
Show us how amazing You are
Mold us, sculpt us, develop us
Into the men
Into the women
Into the souls of God we truly are.