A life worth living

It seems its yet another year that I am attempting to write on this blog. You would think since I want to be a writer so bad that I might be able to do this blog thing. But alas...I think this blog has been in existence since 2008 & I only have a handful of writings. Maybe I just don't want everyone in my crazy but beautiful planted garden that I tend to that is my mind. I like to keep some things to myself as Florence & the machine would say;) I feel like every new year I'm excited & can't wait to see what the new year holds. Then the year goes by and I feel like I haven't accomplished anything, but random ideas that seem to go nowhere. I then get down on myself because I want so much more out of life. I want to live a live worthy of the calling I have received, but I tend to confuse this calling with the life I want to live. Or is it all one and the same? I feel like I'm in a perpetual state of indecisiveness that chokes the beauty that wants to flow out of my soul. I say all this, but i also realize I've learned so much from my past even this last year. I feel like Gods trying to teach me so much, but all I want to do is RUN (faster than a bullet...) b/c its uncomfortable & I want to do what seems right to MY flesh & MY emotions. But I know it's just fear that drives me. Fear I'll never amount to anything. Fear that I'll fail. Fear that I am failing. Fear that my dreams are too big for this small brown woman. Fear that I'll never become who God truly created me to be.

But He created me to be fearfully & wonderfully made. Fear is from the enemy. My past doesn't bind me it makes me who I am and I learn the most from it. I'm learning to embrace everything I've done b/c its no surprise to God & He orders the footsteps of the righteous. As long as my heart seeks His & even when I'm not seeking Him - He will continue to pursue me and show me His love & show me that He wants to use every part of my life - mistakes, wrong turns, past, present, and even the evil in my heart. I can't run away from being a sinner but I can run to Him, repent and seek guidance and comfort. The truth is we weren't meant to be spotless & perfect. We can't, only Christ can. He wants our heart not fir us to be puppets. He wants us to chase after the dreams we think unobtainable b/c He put those dreams there deep within the recess of our inner being b/c its who He made us to be. The hard part is the process & having patience through. Its hard b/c I want to fast-forward & say, "Look ma, I did it." Instant gratification. But that only seems to come with a price. It took Jesus 30 some years to do His calling, but the sad part is we never get to read what happened before His ministry started. He left it a mystery and we can learn so much from that.

Gods got me right where He knew I would be. He's cooking up something good & I'm so blessed & honored to be a part of it.

This year I'm learning how to finally honor my husband by letting him be the covering no matter how much I want to fight to make my own dang decision (sooooooo hard for this control freak to do, btw...); trying to pay more attention to my body & how it reacts so I can take care of this Holy Temple by eating right, exercising, & not over eating; learning how to love all of me & all my past & current mistakes; pursuing my creative side more; write more consistently; be content with where I am in life; not wanting more b/c God is my provider not me; build wonderful relationships with family & friends; love fiercely; confess faster; let God in finally; allow myself to heal fully from brokenness; and most importantly reflect the glory of God - which coincidently is who He made me to be - free in His love & free to choose a life worth living.