Courageous

We were MADE to be courageous: lyrics from a Casting Crown song that changed my life forever last year. Jared and I had been doing the Cares Ministry for 1.4 years and I felt like God was tugging at my heart. I wanted to do more but I kept making excuses of why I couldn't do more for the kingdom of God. I felt like I had a right to be selfish. 

I worked full-time as a Production Arts Assistant, was taking college classes, and serving my community part-time by throwing social events, welcoming and checking up on residents.  I just wanted to skate on by doing the bare minimum and get done serving my community so I could move onto the next chapter in my life.

But God wanted more; He knew I was capable of spreading the Gospel and telling people of the goodness of God's glory b/c of the crazy messed up life I had lived. I come from severe abuse and hurt - a broken family and troubled childhood and youth. But I was afraid. Afraid that people would judge me for my faith and beliefs. Afraid that I might offend someone. Afraid that I would lose friendships; afraid that I would say the wrong thing, look at them wrong, judge myself, and maybe even judge them. So many fears choked my soul from sharing the goodness of God.

Then we started to get trained on how to get pass our fears; how to be fearless in the name of Christ--but I still couldn't find the confidence to share His love. That's about the time I decided I want to serve in high school. I told myself it would be easier to give wisdom to teenagers because they want to soak it up a lot more readily than an adult would. I told myself adults are too hard of a ministry and I need to start with something smaller. The interesting thing is...God wasn't sending me teenagers, He was sending me adults. And I...well I was running away. Who wants to help adults who have their own set of beliefs, who are stuck in their ways, who don't want to change and stop their sin? Who wants to do that ministry? I knew I didn't because I wanted something easier. I wanted to talk to those who would listen. Those who were thirsty. Those who were broken. Those who were crying out for a Saviour. I wanted to point them to Jesus so they could find their Rock and their Salvation, who is Christ Jesus. So that's when I wanted to go into high school ministry. 

I called up my friend Tracy, who the Youth Director at Northwood Presbyterian Church her in good ol' San Antone. I asked her if I could come to one of her High School (HS) meet-ups so I can see if I wanted to serve in HS. I met them up at a Starbucks (I think) in Alamo Heights. They were talking about Lent and even though they don't practice it, Tracy found value in it and asked them if they wouldn't mind observing Lent so that they could learn something about God. It was a great conversation about what all these teenagers felt like they wanted to give up so they could concentrate more on God. Through the conversation I was able to speak wisdom into several of the HS students. I started to realize I have a lot of Godly knowledge I could give to people and I started to get excited for the prospects of student ministry. 

We closed for the night and Tracy and I decided to hang out a little and chat. I wanted to tell her how I felt like the Holy Spirit was asking me to do more, but how I didn't want to do more because I was Soooo busy. One of my biggest problems is over filling my schedule because I don't ask the Lord first before I start commitments; a lesson I'm learning currently and a hard one at that. I then told her how I had a fear of sharing my faith. I didn't want to be rejected or to offend anyone. She gave me some really amazing advice and I try to use it whenever if not at ALL times possible. She said to share my faith by helping people with their problems by telling things from my perspective of how I would handle the situation. Innately my faith will come out when I share how God helped me through the situation it's me sharing my faith with someone so they can see Jesus through my actions. It was incredible advice and it took a heavy burden off my chest and I began to get excited for ministry. 

Her husband called and she had to leave. I got into the car and the radio was tuned to KLove. Someone was telling a story about how their father was on his death bed and he was so unashamed of the gospel his whole life and was telling people about Jesus on his way to his eternal home. It touched my heart and confirmed that God wanted me to do ministry. Then KLove played the song Courageous by Casting Crowns. I didn't know at the time that it was a Casting Crowns song. And this song was the start of God's ministry through me. Here's the lyrics:

We were made to be courageous
We were made to lead the way
We could be the generation
That finally breaks the chains
We were made to be courageous
We were made to be courageous

We were warriors on the front lines
Standing, unafraid
But now we're watchers on the sidelines
While our families slip away

Where are you, men of courage?
You were made for so much more
Let the pounding of our hearts cry
We will serve the Lord

We were made to be courageous
And we're taking back the fight
We were made to be courageous
And it starts with us tonight

The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees with lifted hands
Make us courageous
Lord, make us courageous

This is our resolution
Our answer to the call
We will love our wives and children
We refuse to let them fall

We will reignite the passion
That we buried deep inside
May the watchers become warriors
Let the men of God arise

We were made to be courageous
And we're taking back the fight
We were made to be courageous
And it starts with us tonight

The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees with lifted hands
Make us courageous
Lord, make us courageous

Seek justice
Love mercy
Walk humbly with your God

In the war of the mind
I will make my stand
In the battle of the heart
And the battle of the hand

In the war of the mind
I will make my stand
In the battle of the heart
And the battle of the hand

We were made to be courageous
And we're taking back the fight
We were made to be courageous
And it starts with us tonight

The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees with lifted hands
Make us courageous
Lord, make us courageous

We were made to be courageous
Lord, make us courageous

After I heard this song and because God was orchestrating divine appointments all around me, I began to run full fledge towards ministry and sharing the gospel without shame or fear. I was bold. I was excited. I wanted to be used. I wanted to be fearless. I wanted to be Courageous. 

Then the enemy attacked. I got prideful because I could hear God and then the enemy used people to persecute me. At first, it didn't deter me. But then the those thoughts that corrupt and try to steal, kill, and destroy me crept in. I couldn't handle it all and that's when I stopped doing ministry. I lost heart. I felt like I couldn't do ministry. I wasn't bold, fearless, or courageous. I was knocked down and it drove me into one of my darkest depressions I had ever experienced. I didn't want to ministry. I was mad at God for using me like He had b/c people thought I was crazy. I didn't want to do anything and then my thoughts turned inward and I started to attack myself. I had dark thoughts; most of which were very selfish. It was a low I'd never experienced. I honestly just wanted to die and go to heaven so I could be with all the crazy people like Moses, Abraham, Paul, and Jesus. 

If you've read my previous blogs, you'll know that God pulled me out of that darkness and showed me who He is in a very powerful way. Fast forward to the current. I started to worship, pray, and read my Bible again -- which last year I was afraid to do because I was afraid to hear God speaking to me. I didn't want people to call me crazy anymore so I refused to do anything that would help me get out of the muck and honestly that was just a way that the enemy traps was trapping me in my depression. So I started to come back to my walk with the Lord. I was praising God and praying and I started to hear Him again, but this time it was in my soul -- it was that small quiet voice. I started to get thirsty and all I wanted was to know MORE about God. Then ministry started again, but this time I was much wiser and I was listening to Holy Spirit as He guided me through ministry. I no longer want to operate out of my pride, but out of humility. I hope if I do get prideful, people in my life that I trust and love would check me but with love and not anger. 

Now some of you may be wondering...what does ministry look like. You see dear reader, we're all actually meant to do ministry because our very life that we live is a ministry. Every person we meet is a ministry opportunity and actually even creatures and inanimate things too. We have to be good stewards of everything in our life. Whether it be our pets, our spouse, family, friends, people we meet randomly in stores, people standing out on the road flashing sales signs, homeless, people we work with, our money, our possessions, tweets, Facebook posts--everything we do and have is a ministry. It's being able to look at all of these things and submit it all to God. His Holy Spirit is a gift to us that helps us to steward all of these things correctly. As we follow the leading of the Holy Spirit in these things--that's when God starts sending people in numbers to you because He knows you're submitted to His Holy Spirit and He knows you don't have a hidden agenda. He knows you understand His Heart for those who have been mistreated. He knows that you will direct them to Him and not to you. Some mistake ministry and try to build a kingdom for themselves. It's not about kingdom building it's about Kingdom building -- God's kingdom, not ours. All that ministry is, is directing people back to God so that He is their source and nothing else. We're not God so we can't pretend to know everything. God knows exactly what each person needs and wants. He really just wants us to turn to Him, but we like to get advice and have others speak into our lives b/c we don't know if we can hear God. The truth is...the sheep know the Shepherds voice. So lets be the light and direct everyone back to the Shepherd. 

If none of this makes sense, but you would like to know more -- please send me a message via Facebook. www.facebook.com/virgGran

So...now that I'm running after God and directing all the lost sheep back to Him, I'm also learning that God wants to bless those who do His Good Will. God started to give me the littlest things in my heart. The things I didn't think anyone cared about. The things that no one knows about but the thins God knows I desire. Psalm 37:4-7. Then God started telling me He was going to start give me huge desires. All the dreams in my heart that I have is who He created me to be and He's going to make all my dreams come true and even the stupid little things. He also promised to give Jared and I a big house that we can't afford, but a house that He can afford. I'm telling y'all GOD IS GOOD and He gives GOOD gifts. My life will always be a testimony and it will always be because I'm submitted to Him and because I give Him ALL the glory.

One of the gifts God gave me through a good friend was box seats to the San Antonio Rodeo and the Casting Crowns concert. I didn't really know who they were. I knew that I heard of them and probably liked their music but I wasn't sure which songs they sang. I ended up realizing that I pretty much love ALL their songs and knew the words to most of them and then I heard the song Courageous and that's when I knew God had ordained for me to get FREE box seat tickets. God wanted to show me that He loved me for being His good and faithful servant. I can't tell you how much love was in my heart and how much joy consumed my soul. It also made me realize that God created me to be COURAGEOUS. What do you know...I'm starting ministry all over again and God used the same song He used last year to show me that I'm exactly where I need to be in life.

Dear reader be bold. Be fearless. Be humble. And most of all be courageous in the Lord.

Here's the link to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkM-gDcmJeM

Christians go through Depression too

I've been wanting to do the Paleo diet for over a month now! I have a girlfriend who does crossfit and eats the paleo diet and I've been wanting to start this diet to be healthy. Jared and I have started to work out for the first time in our marriage really consistently. Jared does it more than I do because he has to for PT in the military. We want to feel healthy and be in shape, not because we're overweight or anything but because I really believe that our bodies are the temple of God and He wants us to be healthy. 

I was having back problems consistently and my body was going numb, mostly my legs and rear end because of sitting ALL DAY long for jobs. One time my whole right side went numb and a nurse on the phone told me to call a paremedic. I told her it wasn't that serious but she insisted. They thought it was signs of a stroke, but I'm too young to have a stroke. What it turned out to be is that I have poor circulation (well no one has diagnosed me, but that's what I figure it is b/c the doctors couldn't figure out what it was). I also think I had some sort of nerve issues from sitting all day. Needless to say I came to a breaking point because I was getting headaches and stomach aches and well I went through a massive depression last year because of everything that happened to me before we came to the Stone. A bunch of Christians were calling me crazy because I did what God had told me to do. They said I was mentally insane and that the devil was controlling me and honestly that drove me into depression. 

I finally asked God to leave me alone because He kept speaking to me in His audible voice and told me to do stuff to further His kingdom and I was but I couldn't anymore because people thought I was crazy. I couldn't handle it. So I asked Him to stop. That's when I went through a massive depression. God tried to help me and let me know He was there, but I was so afraid He would start talking to me again. I knew what I needed to do to get close to God but I was afraid to. I knew I needed to worship God, pray and read my Bible but I was too afraid. 

Before my depression started the Lord led us to the Stone purely by accident but no surprise to God. When I first came to the Stone in San Antonio Texas I was on Fire for the Lord and confident in who I was because I could hear God and I was running after ministry. I was doing all kinds of ministry: setting captives free and God even used me to heal a man - it was amazing and humbling at the same time. When my depression started, I withdrew and didn't want to talk to anyone at the Stone and honestly anyone in life. I was socially awkward and hated being around people. Jared would make me go out with friends and all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole in die. It was SOOOO hard for me to be around people - which if anyone knows me this IS NOT normal. 

I was so depressed I wanted to die - not for selfish reasons. I just wanted to die to be in heaven with all the crazy people like Abraham and Moses and all the prophets (God told me I was a prophet and have been my whole life & that scared people). When the shooting happened in Colorado I was so depressed that I got angry at God for not letting me be in that movie theater because I know I would have jumped in front of a bullet to save someone so I could die and go to heaven. That's how severe my depression was; I couldn't grieve or be sad for those people because I was so selfish and depressed. I went home crying everyday and wanting to die. It was really hard for Jared and I am so grateful that God gave me such a man of God like him. The Stone and other things like KLove and sermons at my work saved me, but this one book really saved me. 

Anyways, in the middle of my depression I found myself attracted to this book someone gave me for serving in their ministry earlier in the year. I had never read it. I think that God perfectly plans when we read books, btw:) I picked up the book, Who Switched My Brain Off, By Dr. Caroline Leaf. I read it and it was exactly what I needed. I'm a right and left brain person so I took a bunch of biology, chemistry, and psychology classes in college because I thought I wanted to do something in the medical field for a while. I loved it because God showed me how detailed He made our bodies to be. The premise of the book is from a Christian perspective how our bodies line up with The Word of God. It talked about how when we think negatively it send negative chemicals throughout our body. Those negative chemicals effect everything form how our body works to our emotions. Then what happens is the negative thoughts kill the good branches that are forming in our brains. These thoughts keep killing these branches as we continue to think negatively until there are no branches left and we become severely depressed or completely ill. She talked a lot about illness too and how when people buy into the illness - they get worse. Well then she said that we need positive chemicals to flow through our body to fight the negative chemicals and one of the best ways to get positive chemicals flowing is by working out. When you work out, you release positive chemicals in the brain which helps to combat all the negative chemicals that are bombarding us. This book literally saved my life. And so did everything else. I'm so much better now and God is using me again. He's not speaking to me audibly but inside my soul. 

People can be evil to each other, but God will never leave nor forsake us. Believe that dear reader. The enemy is out to kill, steal and destroy your soul, but God always has a greater purpose for your life. 

Jesus loves when we share our trials and tribulations,

Virg

P.S. Here's a link to that book:

http://www.christianbook.com/who-switched-off-my-brain/caroline-leaf/9780980122329/pd/122329?en=google-pla&kw=backorders-0-20&p=1167941&gclid=CJPezvPLnLUCFY6PPAodRksAkg 

P.S.S. Here's a song that I love because it really explains what I needed--a miracle. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmhNZkyGloc